Warner Ellis vs. Jon sweden
Feb. 16th, 2006 08:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
orangerfulWarren Ellis and Joss Whedon had a little verbal sparring match on Warren's website. It is so very amusing. The fact that Joss registered himself as a user and posted(starting at comment 4)...HA!
And![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
vertigozooropa was kind enough to go thru the entries and edit it down to just the Warren and Joss replies. Thanks Dan!
ELLIS: Every hotel room in southern California was booked within eighteen femtoseconds of the San Diego Comics Convention reservations webpage being uploaded. That’s it, people. If you didn’t get your booking confirmed within eighteeen femtoseconds of the starting pistol, you’re screwed. Because there are one hundred thousand hungry people out there who need to attend San Diego Comics Convention in order to walk right past all that comics shit and go straight to sniffing Brandon Routh’s cricketbox, sending bits of themselves to the cast of SERENITY and masturbating ferociously in the men’s stalls while wearing V FOR VENDETTA masks and discounted Hulk Hands.
No, of course I’m not going.
Nerd Prom: It Begins Now. Never forget.
WHEDON: Who is this Ellis guy anyway? He thinks he all that cuz he wroted “Planety”. The facts is, KomiKon is AWESOME becuz people dress up like stuff — but nobody dresses like Warner Ellis, I guess, mister sour grapes. I talked to Sumner Glou and she said nobody ever mailed her body parts except for one time an arm and then a messenger brought her a thyroid gland but big deal, SERENDIPITY fans happen to be the most tastefullest fans who have extra or redundant body parts.
The best thing about Comicvention is the girls are pretty and the younglings are pretty (is that a legal issue?) and the men is pretty when they are Jedi but not so much Sith. I like to meet the Comedy Books artists (Not everyone wants to meet Angelina Michelle Watts, you know) and to buy a picture of an elf or dragon already. So stay off this grumpity webcamsite becuz Warner Ellis is just a grouchypants! I met a real General Griefuss, who amongst you can say that?
Peace, dog.
WHEDON: (later) Altho that hulk hands thing was me. Sorry. Romulan Ale.
ELLIS: ..see, that could actually BE Joss…
Or possibly Steven E McDonald
ELLIS: (later) Nope, turns out that was Joss. I mention this to settle down the dozens of people clicking here from Whedonesque.
There will, of course, be revenge.
WHEDON: Revenge, eh? So, mister Ellis — (swishes brandy in large glass) — let the games begin, unless they are games of skill, or physical exertion of any kind, or with math. I know the bitter bitter truth, why you are so threatened by my genius, my, class, my big glass of brandy. It’s because you’re so OLD, so terribly terribly OLD, isn’t it! Mountains were hills when you were middle-aged. I hear you left your wife for a younger, trophy Cromagnon. And that you’re… that a young person would find you strange, and… from many years of… you being… DAMN! This round to you, Ellis. But the game is far –(drains Brandy, gasps like beached whale) — from over.
ELLIS: I am twenty years younger than Joss Whedon.
Also, HE cannot hide things in his beard.
…of course, he can pay people to do that for him now. He can even pay people to grow the beard for him. And he doesn’t have to run his own website to look big and clever on the internets.
Ah, shit
WHEDON: All right, Ellis, I am a couple of decades older than you. Touche. But you don’t know all of it. Jeph Loebi-Wan never told you the truth about your father…
Yes. You’re my youngling. Oh for chrissake, everybody knows it but you! Even my beard-growers speak of it freely! Now join me and together we can rule an infintisinimimmsally tiny portion of the galaxy and have a mildly amusing interweb flame war! If you only knew the power of the Hack Side! Join me. Seriously. I’ll cut off your other hand, you pansy.
ELLIS: Every time you say “youngling”, I throw up in my mouth a little bit. And look around to see if John Munch from SVU is in the room.
Look, everybody. Joss and Warren are avoiding writing.
WHEDON: Are you kidding? This is the most writing I’ve done in months.
(Warner Brothers execs don’t come here, do they?)
ELLIS: Good god, man. Why would Warner Bros execs want to be anywhere near me? Back when we were doing GLOBAL FREQUENCY I used to hear them slip the condom over the phone before they even spoke to me.
I’m going to start a rumour that you’re attending San Diego dressed as Wonder Woman.
And that they will know you by your beard.
WHEDON: Okay, can nobody type any more words that end in ‘gasm’? I makes me feel not so good.
The truth is, Ellis is just afraid to say what this is REALLY about. Cassaday. Right, Ellis? He’s drawing Planety AND Admonishing X-mens (now with 17% more Wolverine!) and you hate me for it. You’ve always been jealous — you started your book just to steal him from me — which was idiotic since I didn’t meet him till several years after! Ha! Seriously, Warner, we’re tearing little Johnny apart. Let’s bury the hatchet. Come to the Con with me. Yes, you can dress like Puffy YumiAmi or whatever that thing is you have that outfit of. We’ll have a blast. I’m buyin’ the lead-based food that you have to wait four hours in line for and then rips out of your stomach like you’re John Hurt, and I’ll even buy you a comic. Plus I hear Brandon Routh might be there! He’s dreamy.
WHEDON: Wow, we both went right to the cross-dressing humor! This is just like the Algonquin round table, except there’s only two of us, and no table, and no particular surfeit of wit, and no great certainty about how spell ‘Algonquin’. Huzzah!
ELLIS: When Cassaday masturbates at night in that cell under Joe Quesada’s house HE STILL SAYS
MY NAME NOT YOURS MINE MINE MINE
cough.
Astronomical X-Cash is a very popular book, and I like that Johnny has enough money now for things like hair products and food.
And it’s a Sailor Moon suit, you bastard. Because I hear Brandon Routh is into that. And possibly Nathan Fillion.
The last time I was at San Diego, I saw a porn star being bitched out by a midget pimp. Who was not a pimp of midgets, but a midget who was also a pimp.
Your tv show FIREFOX should have had midget pimps in it.
Is that a guy from The CW I see over there?
ELLIS: I tell you, we should be putting the word “wit” in inverted commas, before the EFF come after us for intarwub fraud or something…
WHEDON: “Anglosaxon X-tracrispy” happens to be ART, you slug, unlike “Globular Frequenting”.
But the Cassaday thing is true. Joe says it’s freaking his kids out.
ELLIS: I dunno why Joe doesn’t just put the cock-gag back in young Cassaday’s mouth. It muffles the
noise, and I think he got to quite like it.
And it’s all he deserves for flouncing off with some poncy Hollywood type to go and draw Anaesthetic X-Wipes.
I should have given him more barely-contained breasts and large shiny Russian gay porn stars to draw.
Oh, God.
I’m so alone.
Hold me.
WHEDON: Well, this has been educational. But it’s hard to type while I’m holding Warren. So on to greater things. Lunch things. May the Federation be with you, or something. Nerds.
ELLIS: Move your hand, Joss. Yes.
If you loved me, you’d hold me THERE.
Time for a cigarette. Take it easy, people.
Also, I just had a race between myself and dictionary.com. Before the screen could load, I was able to get the dictionary out and look up a word for a patron. Oh yes, I am THAT good.
And
vertigozooropa was kind enough to go thru the entries and edit it down to just the Warren and Joss replies. Thanks Dan! ELLIS: Every hotel room in southern California was booked within eighteen femtoseconds of the San Diego Comics Convention reservations webpage being uploaded. That’s it, people. If you didn’t get your booking confirmed within eighteeen femtoseconds of the starting pistol, you’re screwed. Because there are one hundred thousand hungry people out there who need to attend San Diego Comics Convention in order to walk right past all that comics shit and go straight to sniffing Brandon Routh’s cricketbox, sending bits of themselves to the cast of SERENITY and masturbating ferociously in the men’s stalls while wearing V FOR VENDETTA masks and discounted Hulk Hands.
No, of course I’m not going.
Nerd Prom: It Begins Now. Never forget.
WHEDON: Who is this Ellis guy anyway? He thinks he all that cuz he wroted “Planety”. The facts is, KomiKon is AWESOME becuz people dress up like stuff — but nobody dresses like Warner Ellis, I guess, mister sour grapes. I talked to Sumner Glou and she said nobody ever mailed her body parts except for one time an arm and then a messenger brought her a thyroid gland but big deal, SERENDIPITY fans happen to be the most tastefullest fans who have extra or redundant body parts.
The best thing about Comicvention is the girls are pretty and the younglings are pretty (is that a legal issue?) and the men is pretty when they are Jedi but not so much Sith. I like to meet the Comedy Books artists (Not everyone wants to meet Angelina Michelle Watts, you know) and to buy a picture of an elf or dragon already. So stay off this grumpity webcamsite becuz Warner Ellis is just a grouchypants! I met a real General Griefuss, who amongst you can say that?
Peace, dog.
WHEDON: (later) Altho that hulk hands thing was me. Sorry. Romulan Ale.
ELLIS: ..see, that could actually BE Joss…
Or possibly Steven E McDonald
ELLIS: (later) Nope, turns out that was Joss. I mention this to settle down the dozens of people clicking here from Whedonesque.
There will, of course, be revenge.
WHEDON: Revenge, eh? So, mister Ellis — (swishes brandy in large glass) — let the games begin, unless they are games of skill, or physical exertion of any kind, or with math. I know the bitter bitter truth, why you are so threatened by my genius, my, class, my big glass of brandy. It’s because you’re so OLD, so terribly terribly OLD, isn’t it! Mountains were hills when you were middle-aged. I hear you left your wife for a younger, trophy Cromagnon. And that you’re… that a young person would find you strange, and… from many years of… you being… DAMN! This round to you, Ellis. But the game is far –(drains Brandy, gasps like beached whale) — from over.
ELLIS: I am twenty years younger than Joss Whedon.
Also, HE cannot hide things in his beard.
…of course, he can pay people to do that for him now. He can even pay people to grow the beard for him. And he doesn’t have to run his own website to look big and clever on the internets.
Ah, shit
WHEDON: All right, Ellis, I am a couple of decades older than you. Touche. But you don’t know all of it. Jeph Loebi-Wan never told you the truth about your father…
Yes. You’re my youngling. Oh for chrissake, everybody knows it but you! Even my beard-growers speak of it freely! Now join me and together we can rule an infintisinimimmsally tiny portion of the galaxy and have a mildly amusing interweb flame war! If you only knew the power of the Hack Side! Join me. Seriously. I’ll cut off your other hand, you pansy.
ELLIS: Every time you say “youngling”, I throw up in my mouth a little bit. And look around to see if John Munch from SVU is in the room.
Look, everybody. Joss and Warren are avoiding writing.
WHEDON: Are you kidding? This is the most writing I’ve done in months.
(Warner Brothers execs don’t come here, do they?)
ELLIS: Good god, man. Why would Warner Bros execs want to be anywhere near me? Back when we were doing GLOBAL FREQUENCY I used to hear them slip the condom over the phone before they even spoke to me.
I’m going to start a rumour that you’re attending San Diego dressed as Wonder Woman.
And that they will know you by your beard.
WHEDON: Okay, can nobody type any more words that end in ‘gasm’? I makes me feel not so good.
The truth is, Ellis is just afraid to say what this is REALLY about. Cassaday. Right, Ellis? He’s drawing Planety AND Admonishing X-mens (now with 17% more Wolverine!) and you hate me for it. You’ve always been jealous — you started your book just to steal him from me — which was idiotic since I didn’t meet him till several years after! Ha! Seriously, Warner, we’re tearing little Johnny apart. Let’s bury the hatchet. Come to the Con with me. Yes, you can dress like Puffy YumiAmi or whatever that thing is you have that outfit of. We’ll have a blast. I’m buyin’ the lead-based food that you have to wait four hours in line for and then rips out of your stomach like you’re John Hurt, and I’ll even buy you a comic. Plus I hear Brandon Routh might be there! He’s dreamy.
WHEDON: Wow, we both went right to the cross-dressing humor! This is just like the Algonquin round table, except there’s only two of us, and no table, and no particular surfeit of wit, and no great certainty about how spell ‘Algonquin’. Huzzah!
ELLIS: When Cassaday masturbates at night in that cell under Joe Quesada’s house HE STILL SAYS
MY NAME NOT YOURS MINE MINE MINE
cough.
Astronomical X-Cash is a very popular book, and I like that Johnny has enough money now for things like hair products and food.
And it’s a Sailor Moon suit, you bastard. Because I hear Brandon Routh is into that. And possibly Nathan Fillion.
The last time I was at San Diego, I saw a porn star being bitched out by a midget pimp. Who was not a pimp of midgets, but a midget who was also a pimp.
Your tv show FIREFOX should have had midget pimps in it.
Is that a guy from The CW I see over there?
ELLIS: I tell you, we should be putting the word “wit” in inverted commas, before the EFF come after us for intarwub fraud or something…
WHEDON: “Anglosaxon X-tracrispy” happens to be ART, you slug, unlike “Globular Frequenting”.
But the Cassaday thing is true. Joe says it’s freaking his kids out.
ELLIS: I dunno why Joe doesn’t just put the cock-gag back in young Cassaday’s mouth. It muffles the
noise, and I think he got to quite like it.
And it’s all he deserves for flouncing off with some poncy Hollywood type to go and draw Anaesthetic X-Wipes.
I should have given him more barely-contained breasts and large shiny Russian gay porn stars to draw.
Oh, God.
I’m so alone.
Hold me.
WHEDON: Well, this has been educational. But it’s hard to type while I’m holding Warren. So on to greater things. Lunch things. May the Federation be with you, or something. Nerds.
ELLIS: Move your hand, Joss. Yes.
If you loved me, you’d hold me THERE.
Time for a cigarette. Take it easy, people.
Also, I just had a race between myself and dictionary.com. Before the screen could load, I was able to get the dictionary out and look up a word for a patron. Oh yes, I am THAT good.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2006-02-17 01:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-17 04:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2006-02-18 05:10 pm (UTC)And I'm glad you came over yesterday! Always nice to chat with you. Don't forget to check your march schedule for Mirrormask dates! (check your email!)