holidays and gift giving and hang ups

[orangerful]

I know I am an adult and I have my own money and I can buy what I want, whenever I want (I mean, within reason) but there is is still this part of me that was so well trained as a child...

...you see, around this time of year, maybe even the start of November, my Mom would not let me get any new toys or games or movies. From November onward, it was time for Christmas prep so I couldn't get anything because Santa/Mom/Grandparents etc. needed to have a list of things to pick from.

So even now, I just can't bring myself to buy anything for myself. If I do, I tend to feel really guilty, like I'm taking a chance that someone else might buy it for me.

Which is silly because I don't have a lot of people buying me gifts anymore so I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and binge shopping on December 26.

And, the flip side, is that when Tim buys himself something around this time of year, I get a little annoyed because it is one less thing I could have bought him for a gift.

Anyone else like this?

Comments

[beccadg]

I'm not exactly like that, but I understand it perfectly. Growing up, one of the ways my autism is obvious in hindsight is that from a very early age I made detailed carefully organized wish lists for Santa/Mom/Grandparents, etc. which my mom loved. She thought they were great and always used them. I didn't get myself anything I'd put on the list until after Christmas, and she'd get me the things I wanted based on a combination of how high a priority I set on them and whether or not she could find them before Christmas. The problem, and the reason I understand you being like that perfectly, is that my step-grandmother on my father's side of the family was like that. She wouldn't accept one of my lists. I was just supposed to not get anything before Christmas. Unfortunately for her, (and the reason she took to just giving cash) I wasn't about to stop buying myself stuff just because she wouldn't accept one of my lists and one Christmas she bought me something I'd already bought myself. It happened. I didn't feel particularly guilty about it because I resented her refusing to take my list, to begin with, but I know how disappointed she was that she hadn't been able to give me something I didn't already have. I think it's a matter of how different people like to approach making Christmas presents a surprise. My mom knew, even using the list I made her, she'd still surprise me because I wouldn't know what she'd actually succeeded in getting off of the list until I opened the presents. My step-grandmother wanted me to feel like she'd read my mind rather than my wish list when she gave me a gift I wanted. She took to giving me cash because she preferred the feel of me being able to surprise her with however I chose to spend that money over giving in and accepting one of my wishlists. I understand.

[orangerful]

We never did lists, at least not that I remember. I think my Mom must have kept notes somewhere.

Now I will text her things and say "I promise not to buy this for myself" LOL

[beccadg]

We never did lists, at least not that I remember.

I'm not sure when I had the structure of my lists fully refined, but when I say they were "detailed carefully organized wish lists" I mean there were categories and an "under tree" vs "stocking size" divide on the fully refined ones. Things weren't just prioritized from most wanted to least wanted within a category--the categories were prioritized. The categories would be things like "Stuffed animals," "books," "action figures," etc. My parents put small toys and fresh fruit in our stockings and the big toys under the tree. I don't think my little brother got into making lists as much as I did, but he did learn to ask for toys in a variety of sizes to be sure to get ones both places.

Now I will text her things and say "I promise not to buy this for myself" LOL

Happy to help. ;-)

[rhoda_rants]

OMG I do the same thing! From Halloween to New Year's, I will not buy anything 'fun' for myself. Although that's not something my mom set up, just a rule I made for myself. I do still get gift cards on occasion, so I tend to make lists of new stuff I want and use them for that. But you're right in that it has been a VERY long time since anyone bought anything on my list.

[orangerful]

Yeah, I don't know if my Mom ever made up an official rule...I just didn't get anything until Christmas and then it became an internalized rule LOL.

[rhoda_rants]

Well hang on, what's on YOUR list? Maybe I can get you something. OR make something, since I'm doing all this crochet stuff, if you want. :)

[c-hrista.livejournal.com]

I have separate mental lists of things I "can" buy for myself around the holidays and what I tell my family I want. One of our Thanksgiving traditions is giving our wish lists after dinner (and we keep them to look at in the future lol, that's always fun to see).

I can kind of relate to this, but my family has kind of always been terrible at gift-giving so I've often been disappointed with what I'd receive anyway (my family has a habit of buying me things they WISHED I wanted instead of ... what I actually might want).

[orangerful]

Aw, I like the idea of giving the wishlist after Thanksgiving dinner. I bet it is really fun to look back through those old ones!

My Mom tends to buy me things that she thinks are cool but it can be hit/miss for how useful they actually are to me. Sometimes she is ahead of the curve though! She bought us silicone straws one year and now Sylvia uses them because she randomly decided she likes to drink out of straws! And she bought me reusable can covers, and now I actually take soup to work so they are helpful! It's weird.